I've come to the conclusion that nothing good can come of working Halloween night at a hospital. Especially in an ICU.I'd just gotten report when I found out there was an infant, full cardiac arrest, in the ER and it was coming upstairs... to me. We coded for an additional 40 minutes and lost the battle. I lost my first kid =[ Had we finally gotten this baby to come around it wouldn't have been a good situation. He would have been severely handicapped. In the grand scheme of things, it was probably best =/ Then of course came the time to help the family through the grieving process which was the hardest part. I came into pediatrics prepared to lose kids, but I don't see it getting any easier to console the families. I know what it's like to lose someone so suddenly and tragically, so in a way it's a blessing and a curse on my end. It definitely brought all those feelings back, but it helps me in comforting the family. Anyway, the rest of the night obviously was better than the first hour, but it was still very frustrating.

I worked 12 hour shifts this weekend. I kind of miss them. You get a much better idea of the plan of care and what the team has in mind for the kid, you bond with the patient and they gain trust in you by 7pm (in general) and you've got time to get all your stuff done. Working 8 hour evenings is nice because I can sleep in, and the shift flies by (for the most part) but getting the plan of care secondhand and changing nurses in the middle of the day is much harder. In a 24 hour period they see 3 different nurses. Small things, but they make a difference. But anyway, I had a great patient this weekend. She was hilarious. It pretty much made up for my Halloween downer.

On a more entertaining note, I have a new dog (in addition to Van). Her name is Autumn and she's a lab mix with the personality of a rock, especially next to Van. I threw her off my bed this morning and threw out my upper back. I've been able to lay in bed aaaaaaand...that's about it. God forbid I have to cough. It's killer. So anyway, no work for me today, but maybe tomorrow. Good thing I'd put in some overtime this week.

Every now and then, you have a moment at work that really defines your profession as a nurse. It's not about the meds or assessments. It's about connecting with your patient and making a difference while doing your darn best not to get "attached". Last week I was assigned to a patient with a huge surgery coming up. His spirits were down, but I happened to find a small shell in my work bag that I had picked up in the Bahamas and stowed away in a small pocket. I gave him this tiny shell and told him it was his good luck charm, and hoped that he would think of the Bahamas and be a little more "future oriented". Well, he came through the surgery just fine, and I checked in on him a couple of nights ago. I asked if he still had his shell and he looked sad and said he wasn't sure where it was. Turns out he had taken it to the table with him and of course wasn't sure what happened after they administered the anesthesia. I was so touched to hear that he had taken it to the table with him. It definitely made my week and proud to be a nurse.

Well, I did it. I completed PICU orientation and now I'm a for-real nurse...and scared shitless =] My first week was last week, which I survived. It was a rocky start but the last half went pretty well. I need to start giving myself more credit for my accomplishments and worry less when I get home. I get home and then start going over everything I could have done better and might have forgotten to do, etc etc.

I was bumming around Craigslist tonight looking for furniture (bedroom, dining and patio - if you have any for sale, let me know!). So anyway, I got bored of that and found the "missed connections" section. I remembered hearing about it on the radio one morning in Orlando...they were talking about it on the morning show as I was driving to class... Basically, it's a section for someone to post in if they had "a moment" with someone else and never found out their name, number etc. It sounds cheesy as shit... but I gotta say... some of this stuff is so stinkin romantic. "I saw you at Stubby's Saturday night. I smiled at you, and you saw me and smiled back. You were wearing a blue shirt. Write me if that was you." etc etc. It's how I'm spending my Saturday night at 1:30am. Don't judge me =]

Matt and I are coming up on 18 months this week. Big dinner plans tomorrow night!

My day:

0720 Find out patient I took care of last week passed away the previous night. Shit.

1200 Told we will be getting patient admitted from clinic with atrial heart dysrhythmia. Potential for things to go bad.

1300 Heart patient admitted. Things looking ok.

1400 Rhythm meds given, bolus and drip throughout hour.

1500 Pt c/o nausea, vomits, severe stomach cramping. Becomes diaphoretic and clammy.

1515 Symptoms continue. Pt codes, shit hits fan. F*** f*** f***. Grandfather escorted out, clutching chest. F***.

1516 My patient next door is trying to climb out of bed.

1517 Coding pt coming back. Things looking better.

1530 to end of shift, running around trying to stabilize patient and catch up on orders and charting/paperwork. Otherwise, trying to keep other pt from climbing out of bed, pulling tube out and touching incision sites. Intermittent complaining from parents of patient next door... yada yada.

It was a day. It turned out ok in the end, but damn. One hour you're coding a patient, the next hour you're giving them a bath with grandpa reading a newspaper in the chair next to the bed. You ask yourself "did that really all just happen?" It's surreal. Just glad it turned out ok. Definitely looking forward to having several days off.

After 5 years, I'm still coming back to this thing. An incessant and inconsistent need to blog. We all get the urge I think. One of these days when I have time (haha...) I'll go back and go through 5 years of college drama... then move on to post about the real world drama. I'm finding out there isn't a huge difference in cliques and politics from middle school to high school to college to the professional world. Sad...

I love coming back to this thing randomly... it's fun to look back and see the various points of my life since getting to college. If only I were more of the consistent journaling type... I have the tendency to be a live journal fanatic for a couple of weeks, and then you won't hear from me for a year or so. I suppose something is better than nothing.

So, what's my update? I finally see my life moving forward. It's amazing how quickly things can change. Although time marches on, I've felt for so long that I've been treading water. I mean, yeah, school keeps going and I'll be graduating in a year - thank God. But other than that, I've felt like my past has been my present and I can't get to my future. It's not like I've received answers to all my questions. That would be impossible because I have about a billion and I'm always thinking of new ones. But I'm getting a couple of answers. Turns out, I met a boy... 6 years ago... I just didn't know it at the time. =0)

Semester is almost over. I survived another one, I think. I'll rest comfortably after finals are over. 2 weeks and counting. 3 semesters left of school. Ever. Until grad school. Later. I'll be in school for this entire summer. Well, May 14th - July 13th. Looking forward to a slow down in the constant study cycles. Just taking 2 classes, and maybe an elective.

Still teaching Boone, kind of. Things are really weird right now. I'm not happy about it or remotely ok with it. Not really sure whats gonna happen with that. Grrr. It makes me angry. Those are my babies =0/

I turn 22 in 3 weeks. How bout that?

One of the Virginia Tech memorial websites has a page posted of the victims with links to their MySpace. I've spent a few minutes this morning looking through, and it really brings everything to life. You hear their names, and see pictures on the news... but seeing words they've written and pictures with friends... wow. The most heartbreaking part is the trend in comments. It starts out with concerned friends and family "Please call us", "we're worried about you, call asap", "are you ok? i heard about what happened. call me!" and then it turns into "We love you, rest in peace." There are some things in life that I will never understand. =0( The site was posted with the intention of really bringing this tragedy to life... it's not meant to be disrespectful at all... so if you're interested:

http://www.bloggingwv.com/virginia-tech-victims-list-and-their-myspace-pages

shit it starting to pile up... trying to keep my head above water and take it all one assignment/test/paper/project/miscellaneous issue at a time.

my first exam got curved 4 points which bumped me to an A. i got 2 more A's on my last 2 exams. i have a community health exam thats going to kick my ass tomorrow afternoon. i had a 4 day weekend to study and it disappeared into a black hole of rehearsals, football games, seeing old friends, plays and drill writing. ugh.

steve smith leaves this week for cali, for good this time =0( i'll miss him. pat o's was fun though. my newish digital camera got knocked out of my hand and onto the tile. its broken. =0( my 2nd broken digital camera, broken in the same exact way - out of my hand and onto tile. "lens error." hopefully my 2 yr. warranty will cover it. thats why i bought it.

boone's guard is starting to pull things together... hopefully they'll keep it up. too bad we're expected to write our own drill. "well just get them there" seemed to be the phrase of the week. first competition on saturday. perfect.

Ok, so I'm off to a decent start for the semester... I got a 90 on my first exam this week and this morning's exam also went well. Not sure what the actual grade is for that, but I'll find out soon enough. They key for me - at least at this point - is study groups. I definitely benefited a lot from studying with 2 or 3 others all week. So I'll go with that strategy for now.

It's definitely a relief to get the first round of exams finished. You never really know what to expect on the first test for a professor... but I still have a couple more to go. From this point on I have an exam every week (literally), plus projects, papers, outlines, journals, pop quizzes etc. Let the chaos begin. I also got to meet with my clinical instructor who says I'm doing just fine. Always good to hear.

Tomorrow I'm working at the elementary school for clinicals, so i'm really looking forward to that =0) Apparently the kids get really attached to you.

Blah, but for now I'm exhausted. Definitely nap time.

I just got back from the first movie I've seen in over a month. You know that the summer is really over when you don't see a movie every weekend. This one was long overdue, not to mention it was good and FREE thanks to having friends in high places.

Tree, Stevo, Shannon and I saw "The Last Kiss." You might put it in the chick flick category, but unless you've experienced some serious bitterness in life, you won't get it. It was the most realistic portrayl, that I've seen, of the relationships you come across in life. Whoever wrote it knew what they were talking about. And as if I don't contemplate that topic enough, it made me think about it even more. Each character has a different kind of relationship with their significant other.

More specifically: How do you know when you've found the right person? Even if it seems perfect, what if there is something else out there? Does it take going out and experiencing other things to know how good or bad you have it? How can you tell that person that you want to experience other things? How can you come back to that person and tell them that you belong with them? Or perhaps don't belong? Does 30 years of marriage mean that you belong with that person?

It really messed with my head and got to the core of the insecurities both girls and guys have about relationships. Nailed it, actually. By the middle of the movie I had completely lost faith in the whole love thing, but I was encouraged by the time it reached the end.

Well, I think I've done enough thinking for the night.

Life never ceases to throw me for a loop...keep me on my toes. Just when I think that I have things figured out... If you had come to me a year ago, and told me everything that was going to happen in a year, I would say "Ok, it's possible." If you had come to me a month ago and explained the paradigm shift that was about to occur, I would probably have politely said "No, you must be mistaken." But here I am, and I'm not sure what to do. It's all very new to me.

Nursing school is becoming an increasing distraction. We have about a bagillion things going on for the rest of the semester. A "bagillion" is much more than a "bazillion" according to my 4 year old niece, Annabel, whom I got to see yesterday. It was a welcomed break in the monotony of school and teaching guard. She came with my brother, who owns a condo property in Narcoossee. He had to check on it, and since he's a pilot with American, he can hop on a morning flight to Orlando and be back in Texas by dinnertime.

I spent the afternoon with the 2 of them. It never ceases to amaze me how easily amused kids are. I almost remember being so easily amused. I taught Annabel "I Spy" and it was the best thing since Dora the Explorer as far as she was concerned. She also stated within 5 minutes of being in my apartment that my "house isn't very fun."

We finally got our scrubs. I'm waiting to do more fun stuff. It's all very literal, basic stuff for the moment. Some CNC's have already gotten to do immunizations... not us. Bleh. Tomorrow I'm working with old people, again: meals on wheels and adult day care. It's better than sitting in class.

Alright, thats all I've got. I'll try to get some sleep. I think the Starbucks I had at 1:30 is still running through me... though I'm exhausted.

Time has a way of removing details. Time is a healer. But, sometimes, you need to be reminded.

On the 5th anniversary of 9/11 I've been reminded a lot of the pain and shock of that day. I'm not sure why, but I've given it a little more thought this year. Watching and listening to some of the tributes, 911 calls... seeing people jump from the towers to avoid burning to death... brought me to tears again.

It's ironic to me that the single most tragic event of the century brought this nation together when it was meant to break us apart. Yet, the resulting war has divided us. President Bush had the highest aproval ratings in history as of 9/11 and everything related to the war on terror has brought him down. In a way, they're getting exactly what they want. They accomplished what they set out to do. Especially now that people are beginning to forget.

I've got plenty of other things to talk about. But my worries or complaints about life just don't seem appropriate on this particular day. I can put that off until tomorrow.

It never ceases to amaze me that some people have a mission in life... and that mission is to be unhappy, no matter what, and make everyone else around them suffer as well.

This person is characterized by finding fault in everything around them. They might try to solve this problem by controlling what is at fault, although they know nothing about it. More than likely, the fight for control is lost, and they just end up even more upset than before because they're bitter that they didn't get it their way... This can lead to suffering of the third party involved because they must endure the temper tantrum of the first party. Thus the spread of unhappiness is intiated.

Of course, this is purely hypothetical...

I posted this on my MySpace blog about 6 wks ago. Figured I would carry it over to this blog...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's becoming more and more apparent that everything that has happend in my life has been a big puzzle being put together. Sometimes a section of the puzzle gets rolling, but you get stuck on a piece... so you move onto another section of the puzzle... but then all of a sudden you find that piece you got stuck on. Until you found that piece, you weren't quite sure what that part of the puzzle was supposed to look like, but its obvious now.

So, what am I trying to say? I'm saying that I realize, more and more, that various parts of my life have set me up perfectly for other parts. Example, something I thought about today: Vanguard '04 was a great summer, and I was excited to go back for '05. I decided not to go to the November audition camp to spend more of the Thanksgiving holiday with my family, especially Allie. That was the last Thanksgiving I ever spent with her, and I'm glad I made that decision. That set me up for getting the alternate spot at SCV in December, which helped me make the decision to go to PR for '05... and the ripple effects from that summer are still taking place, in a very good way.

No matter how confused I might be about some things in life, eventually it makes complete sense - even if its a year or so down the road. And, when your puzzle is complete, you can look back and realize that your entire life made perfect sense and its a beautiful picture. I'd like to think so anyway... so far so good I suppose.

Maybe I should take a philosophy class.

It was a good weekend. Kind of put me back in check with things, and I realized that I am sure of certain aspects of my life which is comforting.

I am sure that I love my major, despite the endless piles of assignments and reading. For the time being, I even like the people in my major, AND my professors...for now.

I am sure that I have a corps group of friends that would do anything for me, and vice versa.

I am sure that this semester won't be as scary as I thought.

I'm sure I'll be working harder than I ever have, and I'm ok with that.

I'm going to have fun this year. I already am having fun.

I'm thankful for all of this.

The football game was great. School spirit and student support this year is through the roof, and that's really exciting. I'm in the process of trying to find a ticket for next week's game at UF. It probably won't be pretty, but it would be worth a trip up to G-Ville if I can swing it.

And now, I'm sure I have some studying to do - always. =0)

HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!!

I just spent awhile reading over the last 20 or so of my entries... all the way back to the night before I left to go on tour with Phantom Regiment in '05.

I don't know who said "The more things change, the more they stay the same." Maybe Shakespeare or Sting? I never really understood that quote, though I think I'm beginning to see now.

My life - since I've gotten to college - has undergone more change, tragedy, challenge, heartbreak, frustration, joy and triumph than the previous 18 of those years put together. Thats what makes this time of life so exciting. The changes just within the last year of my life - from my post date on Sept. 2, 2005 - are remarkable and I'm happy with where I'm at.

But in reading, I've realized something: There are aspects of life that have continued to remain the same. I cling to those constant aspects in order to maintain a point of reference and a sense of comfort. I think we all do. They're a familiar cornerstone in a life that is so vulnerable. But that's not to say that I use them as a crutch, or hide behind them by any means. The more change we have in our life, the more we refer to and depend on that which stays the same.

I think I've got it.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Excuse me while I bitch for a moment:

Boone screwed me on payment this month. Halfway into the month, he decides to go hourly. I lost out on OVER $200. Could we have at least gotten a warning and started in September? Thats a lot of money that I was definitely counting on... especially with all these hidden nursing expenses. As much as my parents spoil me, I hate having to ask them for money. I've never actually asked for anything I've gotten from them unless I'm in a spot for money. Ugh.

Rehearsal was shit tonight and I developed a pounding headache in the middle of the run through. It literally made my eyes hurt to watch it. Again, ugh.

Cars keep driving down the parking lot with the bass turned up. The vibrations are making car alarms go off right outside my window. Someone downstairs is hammering something into their wall. My head still hurts.

I hardly slept last night for a number of reasons. Every time I was about to go to bed, another issue would pop up that I needed to deal with. But more than anything, I spend too much time trying to figure stuff out. My brain is constantly working, even if I don't care or know that it's a situation I shouldn't worry about. As much as I try to figure out what makes people do the things they do, you'd think I would have been a psychology major - except for the fact that I HATE it.

I'm so tired.

Financial aid still hasn't been dispursed. Hopefully tomorrow.

However, I'll end on a positive note: CNC was pretty cool today. We got to take blood pressures for the seniors at the rec center. They're so cute. My favorite so far is a little old lady named Madeline. We're both from st. Pete - her kids all went to Dixie Hollins HS - so we got to talking for a bit. You can tell she was gorgeous in her day and lived the peak of her life during the WW2 era. I bet she's got a million great stories. I'd like to think she was a soldier's girl and maybe they wrote religiously to each other while he was fighting overseas... *sigh* Ok, so that might not be the case, but I just love that era in U.S. history. We have to do eco-maps for someone in our community... maybe she'll be my person and I can find out what her story is. Old people have the best stories.


Thank God we have a 4 day weekend. I'm going to try my best to balance work and play.

Lame storm, moving at molasses speed. It might even be considered a sunny day. The rain clouds are just beginning to roll in. Apparently it will get a little bit worse this evening.

Tried to set up my wireless router. Didn't work very well. Ended up having to call tech support in India... and halfway through trying to figure shit out, my call got dropped. No signal. Gone. Ugh. Oh well. I'm using someone else's open network for now.

So, in summary... its been a completely pointless day. I just ordered pizza, and I guess I'll settle in for the evening to read and go over skills.

Theme of the week: Drop it like its hot.

I must be on fire.

Ever have one of those days that starts off wrong from the beginning and you can't pull yourself together no matter how hard you try?! ... I'm hoping today won't be one of those days.

I ran out the door this morning to my lab without either of my lab manuals, stethoscope, blood pressure cuff, dosage calculation assignment or even my WALLET for that matter. Ahhh. So it was a rough first hour, but its slowly coming together.

We practiced glucose readings in essentials. I got to stab Brian with a lancet - twice (oops) - and take his glucose readings. Then he got me back and I have a bruise on my finger =0/ The good news is that I'm not diabetic.

We made it out of there early and ran over to Subway to see if Trevor was working. He was, and we got a free breakfast. That made me happy.

Other things to look forward to for the day:
- Fed Ex might deliver my laptop
- They might cancel classes for tomorrow. Osceola and Polk counties are already canceled. Keep your fingers CROSSED!
- It's beautiful pre-hurricane weather =0)
- Boone might have a drama-free, good, productive, rehearsal.

So, today has "good day" potential. I'll continue to think happy thoughts.

P.S. FedEx just delivered my lap top!!!! YAY! GOOD DAY!

Someone tell that hurricane to PUT ON THE BRAKES til' Thursday... some of us want a 5 day weekend.

Looks like it might blow through on Wednesday though. I only have one class on Wednesdays - a class I actually enjoy - but I won't complain if it gets called off. The opportunity to sleep in is always appreciated!

Rumor has it the UCF vs. UF game is already sold out. WTF?! BOO! I better get my ticket through our lottery...

I'm so behind on reading.

And the live journal is back! ...for now.

I've been on and off with this thing for about 4 years, but as part of our clinical work, we're required to keep a journal of each day that we're there. So in the midst of my journaling for that on Thursday night, I realized that I'll probably have plenty of good stories and ridiculous experiences to share.

So yes, if you're catching up on my life, I got into the nursing program here at UCF and so far I really like it. It's a ton of work, stress etc. but for once, you can see right away that its all worth it. When we're at our communities, the seniors just light up when we walk into a room. A group of us were at a Wendy's on Thursday for lunch, and the lady sitting next to us noticed that we were all nursing students and she was just like "God bless you... and be kind. We need kind nurses." Ok, so she might have been a little crazy, but it's cool to be recognized like that out in the community. People really look up to you. And we don't even have our scrubs yet because everything is BACK ORDERED!

I spent the weekend cooped up in my room. I came down with a cold/flu thing thats had me sleeping for about 30 of the last 36 hours. Blaaah. But whatever. I'm glad I got it out of the way now because we're actually starting with patient care this week. But, because I spent yesterday sleeping, that means that I have a TON of stuff to catch up on today. So, I better pop some medicine and hit the books.